Fuck Yeah Zodiac!

Pleasure.

1. The state or feeling of being pleased or gratified.2. A source of enjoyment or delight

Adult Simba: Tell them the truth! 
Scar: But Simba truth is in the eye of the behold… 
Scar: [Simba chokes him, he whispers] All right. All right. I did it. 
Adult Simba: So they can hear you! 
Scar: I killed Mufasa! 

Remember seeing The Lion King when you were young and crying over Mufasa’s death? Remember being abhorred by that asshole Scar? Well, these characters are the perfect description for Leo - and how fitting that they are lions. On one side their is Mufasa’s indelible sense of authority - this overpowering reign of power on everyone he meets. And on the other side we have the morally feeble, Scar - guilty of jealousy and murdering his own brother for the position of king. It is this constant thirst for the spot light that characterizes the lion.

Within the sign of Leo, there is a big difference between male lions, and female bitches. The male lion is the life of the party, that guy in the middle of the room downing the biggest funnel(Leo’s have a tendency to be big drinkers), that all round cool guy. But the female lion is death. Think that annoying girl nagging at her boyfriend every ten seconds for absolutely nothing. Think that bitch that wants all the attention on her. This is the dreaded self-centered lioness (A lot of female Leos have princess complexes). Although! And it is a big although, not all female Leos are self-centered fucks, being a fire sign female Leos, along with Aries and Sagittarius females, have an innate sense of masculinity, so of course you will find that female Leo that gets along with everyone just as her male counterpart does. 

Leo’s worth a mention share the Diva title with Aries: Whitney Houston, Jennifer Lopez and Madonna all fall under the reign of Leo. The extravagant; the larger than life; the pinnacle of fame that all three of these women have reached is the fantasy that most Leo’s dream of, but never obtain.

Roarrrrrrr, to be a Leo. 

Home.

1. A place where one lives; a residence.2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.

Think of Ma’ Higgins; Think of Betty Crocker; Think of Sara Lee. All baking brands using a female name as the title - a smart marketing ploy playing on our trust for mothers who bake. Whether these baker-bitches are Cancer or not, they are the perfect archetype for the feminine crab. 

The crab is known for their homely, mothering personality. The people who are just their for you when you need them, but beware: this can get out of hand - Cancers, like their symbol, can become clingy. Clinging with their crab claws they call vagina’s or penis’, in a relationship with a crab you will probably be emotionally manipulated, especially as this sign has a tendency to go up up up! and down down down at the drop of a hat. 

When looking for a Cancer, look for the girl holding her friends hair back while her friend is spewing; look for the girl making her friends food after a night out. She is most definitely a Cancer. If you flat with one, you’ll know she is a Cancer by looking in her room: see that black and white photo? That’s her grandmother circa 1939. See that brown suitcase? That was her grandfathers when he traveled the world in the 50s. This bitch is a serious hoarder, so don’t be surprised if you find her in 30 years time flicking through albums and tending to her 12 cats. Being ruled by the chest, look for a feminine hoe with big titties, Cancerian natives tend towards the bigger breasted or the absolutely flat chested. 

Famous Cancer’s worth mentioning are stereotypically big breasted airheads: Lil Kim, Jessica Simpson and Pamela Anderson. They all have something to say, but for some reason you just can’t seem to look past their big ass boobs. However, this star sign, along with Pisces, is a very hard sign to distinguish. There are multiple types of this star sign, that match the multiple moods they face in one day. 

Clawwwwwww, to be a Cancer. 

Communication.

1. The act of communicating; transmission.2.a. The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.

“Hey! How are you?” “I’m good tha-” “That’s great to hear, oh my gosh I’ve been so bogged down lately, I don’t know what it is! I’ve been having this bad pain in my neck lately. Argh. Have you listened to Erykah Badu’s new album? It’s so good! I just got this new lap top too…” The typical conversation with a Gemini normally goes as such. You say one word, they say twenty - and more often than not, your one word will say more than their twenty.

Don’t get me wrong, Gemini’s aren’t dumb, they are far from it actually - it’s just that they have a mind like the road runner, zooming across thinking 12032048324 thoughts a minute. I mean it isn’t their fault that they take nothing you say into consideration, it’s your fault that you can’t keep up! And that’s right, it’s all you - never them but you won’t mind, because they have the charm to rock your socks off. You’ll find in Gemini’s this conceited, my shit don’t stink vibe. Their interest in 20 different subjects isn’t a sign of indecisiveness, it rather is a sign of their ‘worldly diversity - think of it as a modern day Renaissance man.’

When looking for a Gemini, look for the fast talking socialites in the room. Think the exact opposite of Taurus! The energy of a child, and often the looks of children as well, pedophiles would delight in the fact that these people have the looks of a 5 year old, but the actual age of 21. Ruled by the shoulders, arms, and hands, expect these people to be writers of the finest kind - waxing lyrical about the shit only they would care about.

Gemini’s who became world famous tend towards the sex siren, the definitions of beauty, the young bitch that all the old hags want to be: Angelina Jolie, Nicole Kidman, Marilyn Monroe and Heidi Klum.  These skinny bitches all have one thing in common (minus Monroe), they all display the common Geminian trait for the love of multi-racialism. Kidman and her bi-racial adopted children, Jolie and her ‘rainbow tribe’ and Klum with Othello Seal. Real ebony and ivory shit right thur’.

Grrrrrrrr, to be a Gemini.

Ownership. 

1. The state or fact of being an owner.2. Legal right to the possession of a thing.

What does Homer Simpson say when he gets injured? “D’oh!” What does Homer Simpson say when he realizes he has done something foolish? “D’oh!” What does Homer Simpson say when he knows something bad is going to happen? “D’oh!” How the fuck is this relevant you say? Well, because Homer is supposedly a Taurus! Duh! Homers slow thinking, slow walking, slow acting way of life is typical of a Taurus. 

The two words that come to mind when thinking of a Taurus is: ownership, and slow. Being ruled by the house of value, Taurus’ have within them a deep longing for possession. You will often find Taurus’ in hard jobs, slaving away just to make that extra buck so that they can buy that new perfume (Taurus females love perfume), or that extra case of beer (all Taureans have a love for food and liquor). 

When looking for a Taurus, look for the people that walk and speak slow. Exactly like Homer! These people like to take their time, think over things, and unless they have an influential rising or moon, say a Gemini rising, these people will almost certainly display these characteristics. Governed by the throat, Taureans are prone to sore throats, infections of the throat, or even asthma. The signs connection with physical laziness might indicate that the fat shits might be careful about what they stick down their throat, as Taurus’ have a tendency to become overweight in later life.

Celebrity Taureans are typically Casanova’s, romantics, mature men that still have that sexy swagger, or just straight up sluts: Jack Nicholson, George Clooney, Al Pacino, Pierce Brosnan, David Beckham. The cheating ways of David Beckham, or the male cougar roar of Nicholson and Clooney, all Taurus men seem to have this vibe that shouts I WANT TO FUCK YOU! It probably has to do with the fact that Scorpio (the sign of sex) and Taurus lie on the same axis. Oh to be fucked, and to fuck. 

Moooooo, to be a Taurus. 

First. 

1. The ordinal number matching the number one in a series.2. The one coming, occurring, or ranking before or above all others.

Think of the spoiled child yelping/crying/screaming/annoying the fuck out of all the other customers in the store. Think of how it tugs at its mothers leg until she succumbs and buys the toy of its choice. Now think of an Aries. Now revert back to the thought of the screaming child. Now synchronize the two. That child may not have been an Aries, but that child is the perfect example of what an Aries is. 

Aries is the child of the Zodiac that all the other kids tend to have a love/hate relationship with. Most Aries natives you meet will give off the best first impression. Overly friendly, overly nice and most of all overly energetic! But what lies beneath this happy-go-lucky facade is the dark rulership of mars. Mars also being the co-ruler of Scorpio, just imagine how dark these bitches can get. 

When looking for Aries look for the mentally ill assholes with pock marks all over their face. For reals. Aries is ruled by the head, so acne, and any mental illness is common. They walk with their heads tilted forward as if to ram any obstacles out of their way - quite literally. 

Famous Aries are stereotypically musical divas: Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan. Outlandish ‘riders’ or demands from these Ariens include Cristal champagne and bendy straws, Tea mixed with an exotic brand of mineral water, and $25,000 in cold hard cash at arrival to the venue. 

Ahhhhh, to be an Aries. 

We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born.  Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.  ~Carl Gustav Jung